Shh, Here’s A Secret.

Full disclosure: I started this post 10 months ago. It’s been sitting in my drafts since then. Warning: this is probably going to be a long and emotionally-fueled post. As hard as it was to write the first part and update with the latest, I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this in real life – even with my closest friends. I love y’all and if I do talk about it it’ll be difficult and probably only online and maybe only bits and pieces. That’s just how I am. I don’t think any one person knows EVERYTHING about me, except Dustin. Even he gets things delayed. Sorry babe. Anyway, my last post touched on this whole topic a bit but these were some of my thoughts from earlier this year regarding our future.

10 months ago: My overall and deepest desire this year is to lose weight and be healthier. My husband’s #1 goal is to decrease our debt significantly. The reason? We want to start our family. :O Shocking! I’ve gone and said it!

Honestly, that’s not something I really like to talk about much but perhaps sharing it and just putting it out in the universe is what I need right now. For years I’ve jokingly told my mom and family we were only going to have dogs, no children, whenever the topic came up. First of all, I don’t need or want others’ input and opinions on when to start a family or how big of a family to have. Second, my husband and I would ideally like to have our stuff together before bringing a child into the world. But then again, my mom raised two kids alone for a while with a lot less than we have. My brother and I turned out alright (shoutout to my first frienemy for life). Finally, my body is in no condition for this but who knows if it will ever be.

This is the biggest issue I have to deal with everyday. I suffer silently. I know I’m not alone. I follow many women on Instagram and in my PCOS support group on Facebook who are in the same position. That doesn’t make it any less lonely. I fear that even if I lose weight I won’t be able to have children. Do you know how heartbreaking and depressing this can be? I can push the thoughts and negativity away most of the time. But there are some days it all just piles on and I can’t handle it anymore.

– That is where my draft ended 10 months ago. Obviously, I was not ready to share it then.-

Present-day: Last night I broke…and my poor husband… I am so lucky that he is understanding and most of the time has enough patience to deal with the crazy mess that I am. He let me break down and sob and stress out and have an anxious moment. He patiently watched me and let me be even while I obsessively messed with a strand of hair to soothe myself and rambled on and just poured my worries out. He knew I had to work through it but he knew that just him being there was more than I could ask for. It’s what I needed of him and he understood without me actually having to say anything. True love and friendship right there. After I basically bombarded him with all of this he was loving and suggested I keep working through the stress and anxiety. We walked our dogs then went to the gym. It definitely helped to work some of that energy off.

My rock 😍 

When the meltdown was mostly over, he asked why I hadn’t told him before. Like I mentioned at the start of this, even he gets things delayed. I told him I was trying to be strong (it’s something I’ve done all my life as “the oldest” child and still have trouble with).

Part of my worries regarding trying to conceive is everything that comes with my PCOS. The hormonal issues can cause infertility and miscarriages. I’m already high-risk due to my weight which also causes issues. Although side note – I got my lab work back from my doctor and all the basic stuff was fine!

The other concern is now that my husband has decided to return to school. Full-time. This means he’s quit his regular job, picked up a part-time job and therefore taken a significant pay cut. He’s in training now and we don’t know yet how much he’ll be working after Thanksgiving. It’s scary thinking about trying to afford a baby and paying off debt and our regular bills on less than we’ve been making. I know there are people who do it with less but like I told him yesterday, I want more than I had for my children.

*sigh* I could probably go on and on in circles but I won’t. I’ll leave it at this for now. This was therapeutic for sure and it actually does make me feel a bit better knowing I’m about to take this off my shoulders. 🙂

Putting It All Out There. Maybe.

Hello again.

Since the last time I wrote, to my own shock, I actually DID start working out again. I will admit that I gave up after a few days the first week because I was so damn sore from my leg day workout. Weak. The following week I was just trying to get through that horrible time that most ladies get. Y’all know what I’m sayin’. So I pretty much was deadddd. But I’m back at it this week! It’s Wednesday and I worked out both Monday AND Tuesday. Today is a cold and rainy day here in the DFW area and I’m spending it indoors cuddled up with my dogs. No worries though. My workouts are home workouts that don’t require fancy gym equipment – just bodyweight or light dumbbells.

I went to my primary care physician this week for my annual physical and because they wouldn’t refill my medicine without checking in again. I still need to go back to get my blood drawn for labs because I was in a rush on Monday, so I should have results back early next week. My blood pressure was good (to my surprise) but my weight has obviously gone up since I saw him last year though. I had gone down some around May but I gained it back and more. Here’s to me being brave… *breathe* My highest weight is now roughly 289 (with clothes – that makes a difference right???) UGH! I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone my weight except my husband. This is really hard to admit. However, I think it’s an important step in my journey. By putting it out there I have given myself some sort of accountability as I don’t want to come back and say I’ve gained even more weight. I’m telling y’all, I really want to try this time. I want to lose the weight. I NEED to lose the weight and get healthier. There are a couple of reasons for this besides the fact that I’m tired of walking around feeling like Violet from Willy Wonka.

I feel so round.

My mom has been dealing with several health issues for a while now. She was diagnosed with stomach ulcers, attributed to stress, many years ago. Most recently she was diagnosed with gout, arthritis (not sure which kind), and the scariest is Diabetes Type 2. It’s scary to hear because she’s had issues with her sugar before and doesn’t like to take medicine and she’s stubborn in her eating habits. She doesn’t live in the safest of neighborhoods so I’m glad she owns a treadmill but I’m not sure how often she uses it. My point is that Diabetes is a real threat to my health, not only due to my PCOS and insulin resistance but now it’s most likely always been in my genetics.

(NOTE: to my IRL friends and family, please don’t bring up what I’m about to say because it’s a difficult subject for me to talk about seriously…I know I joke about it and have been known to say I just want dogs but that’s just a front so I don’t have to delve deeper into the subject.)

The other biggest reason I really need to get my stuff together is that my husband and I want to get started on our family. It’s a touchy subject for me with my health and the possibilities. The what-ifs scare me. I might post about it another day, maybe.

But there you have it. This is more for myself, as usual, just to get my thoughts out and try and work through stuff. I’m working on getting my eating habits on a healthy track. I’ll be starting Victoza again – just a sample for now – along with my regular meds. I’m hoping it will get me started in the right direction along with my exercise plan and diet. Low carb is what I’m aiming for or at least fewer carbs and take out/fast food, for now, so please share any recipes or Pinterest boards if you’d like.

 

 

PCOS Challenge Symposium 2016

PCOS Positivity support group pic

This past weekend I had the privilege  of attending the PCOS Challenge Symposium and Bolt 5K in Atlanta, GA (a Facebook support group I’m in raised the most money for the 5K!) My very supportive husband joined me and we made a quick vacation out of it. We both learned so many new things that will help me along this journey of treating my PCOS and wrangling in my health. We also heard a lot of things we’ve heard before, but hey, sometimes you just need to be hit with the same information over again to help it stick. At least I do…often.

PCOS is a syndrome that has many symptoms and they’re not all the same for everyone. There is no one official way to treat it and treatment plans can vary from traditional medicines to holistic and natural approaches. Every person with PCOS must have a personalized plan and it takes a lot of time, energy, and trial and error. Not to mention finding a team of doctors who are supportive, knowledgeable, and willing to work together to find the right treatment.

At the symposium there were several breakaway sessions with different topic choices. Dustin and I focused on the integrative health and nutrition/fitness tracks. There were also some on emotional/mental health and fertility but we didn’t do those since we’ve got to get a hold of my health before starting a family. There were also Q&A panels with leading PCOS experts that included health professionals and advocates. It was definitely a wonderful experience and I hope to attend the next one.

I purchased an awareness bracelet and was entered into a raffle. There were several prizes, including books, cookbooks, fertility treatments, fitness packages, electrolysis, and even a very popular detox program. Guess who won one of the detox programs?! C’est moi! That’s right! I was surprised because I never win anything in raffles and I almost didn’t even buy the ticket! While I’m not one for “detox” programs and living off of shakes I figured I’ll give it a try and report my results to my fellow cysters (probably via my instagram). I prefer real food but I’ve never tried a shake program so let’s see how it goes. This program consists of 2 weeks of shakes and supplements geared towards women with PCOS. We tend to have insulin resistance/metabolic disorder so sugar can be really bad for us. This program focuses on getting all the necessary nutrients and a little extra of the vitamins and minerals that can help with insulin resistance. It also helps to cut back the amount of processed sugars in the body.

So far I’m halfway through day 2. The shake tastes alright. I’ve done protein shakes before so I’m ok with the texture and taste. It’s a mild berry/vanilla flavor. My husband tried a sip and didn’t like it. He said it was chalky but then again, he doesn’t like protein shakes either (and he likes nato which is fermented soybeans so his palate can’t be trusted sometimes haha). By dinner I was a tad irritable and hangry. But I get like that whenever I start lowering my carb and sugar intake. It takes me a few days to adjust. So, for the next two weeks I’ll be doing two shakes a day and a well balanced meal with healthy snacks (as necessary). Fitness-wise I’m planning on going for walks during my lunch hour at work and I’m in a few daily and weekly step challenges via Fitbit. I did so much walking and hiking during our trip that I managed to lose over 4 lbs! But I also don’t trust my scale…She can be sketchy. I’ll try to update again when I’m done with week 1.

Peace out, y’all.

Namastay In Bed

It’s been a while since I wrote anything. There’s no particular reason, I just have been lazy about it. We are a quarter of the way through the year already, which is hard to believe. Wasn’t it just January??

A couple of things have happened since my last couple of posts. I took my driving test and am now a fully licensed driver. Woopee! I don’t get on the highway yet, but I don’t really go anywhere besides work, grocery store, and gym. I have yet to get back to riding my bike. However, I do think my knee is finally getting strong enough to do so.

I have been to the doctor a few times already this year. I did an at-home sleep study to test for sleep apnea because I have trouble sleeping and wake up more than I’d like. Turns out I’m ok on that front, so my doc referred me to an ENT specialist. I paid my copay and after about a 10 minute visit, I was diagnosed with a deviated septum. It’s probably not the cause of my sleep issues, but I’m sure it doesn’t help. As for one of my other doc visits, I wanted to talk to him about my thyroid. PCOS comes with many, many different symptoms. Many of these symptoms can also be shared with/caused by thyroid problems. Several women with PCOS also have thyroid disorders, so after a lot of webMDing and Google searches I wanted to rule out any thyroid dysfunctions. Luckily, all is well there too. My doctor simply reminded me how important sticking to a low carb diet really is for my health and weight loss. Darn.

As for exercise, hubby and I joined a new gym last month. My membership includes 12 sessions with a team weight loss class that meets three times a week. The gym has tons of group fitness classes throughout the week as well. There are spin classes, yoga classes, dance/Zumba classes, and strength group classes. I’ve tried out a few of them and as part of my New Year resolution to try something new each month, I finally went to a couple of yoga classes. I am in love with them! As a beginner, it was intimidating the first time because I was afraid of being judged for not knowing the pose names or being as flexible as others. None of that happened (that I know of). The classes I checked out were all relatively easy and great for a beginner like me. The teachers talked us through the poses and adjusted us as needed. The lights were also kept pretty low in the room to add to the relaxation. My goal is now to go to at least two yoga classes a week. I sure could use the stretching, especially after sitting at work for hours.

That’s a little bit of what’s been going on around here. I’m slowly working on pushing myself out of my comfort zone because change and growth can’t happen if I do nothing. One of my new favorite quotes that helps is: “Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the surest way to be sad.” – Jeffrey Benjamin. I don’t want to be sad and stagnant. Gotta keep moving and improving. 😀

 

 

The Year Was 1989

I’m reflecting on this past year because yesterday was my birthday, y’all! And Thanksgiving week is my favorite time of the year. Mostly due to the food and cake I get. 😉 Who doesn’t like cake? Weird people, that’s who.

Anyway, a lot of great things have happened this past year, as well as not so great. I married my best friend, I’m back down to the weight I was at the end of last year (I went up post wedding/Christmas), I’m up for a raise at work, and I’m figuring out how to be healthier. The not so good: didn’t buy a house like we wanted to and I was diagnosed with insulin-resistant PCOS (kind of good though because I can make a plan to deal with it before it gets worse).

And here comes a sad bit of this post. Sunday was a bittersweet day for me. It was a lazy day but that also meant I had plenty of time to do some thinking. 26 years ago my childhood best friend was born 2 days before me, but it’s also a sad day because she passed away in 2009, just a few months after turning 19. Until we were about 14 or 15 we celebrated our birthdays together at church since we were only 2 days apart. We would go shopping for our birthday outfits together and got the same thing a couple of times. Our brothers are also close in age by a few months so we’d always be at her house hanging out and her whole family is an extension of mine. She was a trip and I’m just super grateful I had the chance of having her in my life for as long as I did. But I also have this guilt when I celebrate my birthday because she doesn’t get to.

Which leads to my plans for this upcoming year. My goal, as usual, is to be a healthier, better version of myself. I want to focus on experiences and the people in my life because ultimately that’s what matters. The difference this year is I am determined to put my words into action. I’m already doing some research on local running groups and plan to sign up for a 5K in a few months. I’m not sure which one just yet, but I will kick off my training this week! That’s right. I’ll be starting off my 26th year of life with positivity and momentum! I’m restarting Couch to 5K as part of my training. I made it to week 5 last time. 3 weeks short of completing the program. I also hope to start date nights again with hubby, girls night with my ladies, hanging out with our friends more, and going to see my mom more often. It’s hard because everyone’s been busy this fall so we’ve got to plan in advance!

When all is said and done, I’m ready to kick this year in the butt and make it fantastic!

November Late Update

It’s been a while since I made any kind of update. I’ve been in a bad rut lately. The only thing I kind of stuck with in October was biking to and from work a few times a week. The rainy weather doesn’t help much. Otherwise my diet and exercise goals flew out the window along with any kind of motivation I may have started out with.

I did get to go see a new doctor for my annual physical exam who I found via a local PCOS support group. He was great, took his time to explain PCOS and insulin resistance to my husband and I, and he prescribed some new medicines. I started low on one and had to slowly increase the dose over three weeks. I did get sick from it when I increased it twice but so far it seems to be working. I had bloodwork done and I no longer seem to be anemic for the time being but I have to continue taking iron supplements until I see the hematology specialist again in December. I’ve lost a few more pounds with the new medicine which is great but I know I could kick it up a notch if I really watch what I eat and get out to exercise.

Now for a more fun update… Hubby turned 26 a few weeks ago and we finally got around to celebrating with a few friends. This weekend we went paintballing. I didn’t think I was going to enjoy it as much as I did. The weather was great for the day and it wasn’t terribly crowded. I got shot a good number of times and am still hurting. Maybe I’m just too old for this haha. It was fun being active and hanging out with friends outside of the apartment. We are definitely looking forward to going again soon. Up next is my birthday in less than 8 days so I need to figure out what I want to do.

Any fun suggestions?

October Goals 2015

 The most wonderful time of the year is finally upon us! Fall is my favorite season of all. But, because I live in Texas, I don’t get to experience the beautiful leaves changing and crisp air for very long. It’s kind of a bummer. Thankfully, with shortening days, the heat is going away and the chilly weather is making a run for it. 

The past few days have been perfect for getting out and getting some exercise in. And I definitely need it. This past week we were in the process of moving apartments. Although it was so much better than our past moves, it was not perfect or anywhere near it. We were able to get rid of a lot of junk we had and donate other things we didn’t use often, but we still had a lot of things to move. Unfortunately, we ended up eating a lot of fast food during the week because we didn’t want to buy groceries. When we were finally done with the move and got back on our regular diets, hubby and I both started feeling so much better. We are still settling into our new place, but we really love it. Not only will we be saving money because rent is less, but we are also right next to a major trail in the city so we can commute to work by bike!

This month I will be bicycling to my job and back most days. I will sure get in my cardio! I also want to get back into the gym and pick my weight lifting up again. Since hubby injured himself on the bike early in September, we haven’t done any lifting. We think he had cracked ribs. I know I could have gone without him, but I didn’t. He still won’t be lifting for a while but I’m tired of not progressing in my weightloss journey. The only way to see results is to put in the work! For this first week, I will be trying out this 3-day strength training plan from Greatist. I am excited to get started. This, along with my cycling, should have me seeing results again. However, my diet has to be better than it has been to see maximum results. Sticking to what is supposed to be my new lifestyle/diet has been my biggest downfall. I just want all the crispy, fried things and cheese! And I have yet to try a pumpkin spice latte…

Please share any tips on how to stick to a healthy diet. 🙂

August 2015 Goals

Well there goes another month. “Summer” is almost over and we’re already one week into August! Where does the time go?? Although without school, Summer is just another season of the same – gotta work, work, work. Anyway, this past month somehow I have been so busy at work and at home. I feel like I haven’t had much time to sit alone and read a book or blog much. I’m not sure where my time went. Weird.

I did notice I was more social than usual in July. We went swimming almost every weekend and then hung out with friends. A friend/sorority sister invited me to a fun event one night as well and I was completely free and said yes! Best decision ever. I get to catch up with her, have fun, and we meet new people. Every week there’s been some interesting story to tell. I think it’s becoming a weekly tradition so I’m adding it to my August goals. Be more social.

Speaking of goals, here’s how an update for July.

July 2015 Goals

• Continue with C25K running program – Success! I didn’t do it every other day as I thought I would, but I did keep going. I am now on week 4!
• No more fast food. I said realistically I’d try to cut back and do no more than once a week but that didn’t happen. However, I did eat less fast food than the month before, by a lot. I had also wanted to cut back on carbs this month but I didn’t do a great job at that either. There was a lot of ice cream outings after going swimming…it’s summer…and I couldn’t say no to toasted coconut ice cream. It’s da bomb dot com, yo.
• Seriously start house shopping. This was the biggest disappointment of the month, possibly the year. We got our pre-approval and were trying to get info on some houses but everything was getting snatched up quick. Even a small 2 bedroom house was out of our reach!! So once again we’ve decided to hold off on this goal. We’re looking into moving to an apartment with a small fenced in area or leasing a house with a friend. This is probably the best move financially and hopefully the real estate market cools down some by next year. I was really sad because I was looking forward to home improvement projects and having our own real place.
• Mid-year Spring cleaning. We did not even get close to tackling the living room closet. That thing is overwhelming. I don’t even know where to start. I did go out and buy a mop and finally gave our floors a real good scrubbing as well as the baseboards. Small steps…right?
• Yoga date, rock climbing date, movie date, any kind of date. We did it!! On the last day of the month, but still. We tried a neighborhood burger place and had a nice time just chatting. Earlier in the month we also went to the library and spent time finding books together. Nerdy, but fun.

On to my goals for this month. We’re already a week in so I’m kind of late on this, but there’s no better day to start than today.

August 2015 Goals

• Fitness/Health: Continue working the Couch to 5K program (3 days a week) & continue improving on weight training; Walk the dogs more (I stopped going on longer walks with them because it’s hot outside but that’s no excuse to deny them of exercise as well. I will just need to do the longer walks once the sun starts setting. I also finally had my follow up visit with my doctor and she confirmed that I have PCOS. In the two months before my follow up, I managed to lose over 10 lbs and lower my blood pressure. However, without the longer walks in July and eating more carbs, I ended up only losing about two pounds last month. I kept fluctuating between the same two or three pounds most of the month.
• Diet: Stay under 100 g of carbs a day and stay away from dairy/gluten (inflammatory). When I go over in carbs or eat dairy or something containing gluten my PCOS symptoms flare up and it can get pretty bad. I haven’t stopped biting my nails all this past month and as I mentioned before, my weight loss kind of stalled. The hubster and I also want to do a fast food-free month. This requires advanced planning, including meal prep and having quick grab-and-go foods.
• Home: Now that we’re putting our home purchase off we need to find a new place to live. I’ve already contacted a few places about renting a house and we’ve also checked out a few apartments. We also need to declutter and start packing. I do not want to wait until the last few days like we’ve done in the past.
• Relationships: This month I want to continue seeing friends and not be anti-social. Hubster and I need to plan another date night and plan our anniversary vacation/honeymoon. He wants to go to Hawaii!
• Emotional/Mental Health: I want to actually post on this blog at least twice a week. It’s nice having some time to just think and write but I don’t do it often enough. I also want to stop biting my nails and get my anxiety back under control.

This month already sounds busy if I actually manage to schedule my time efficiently. I should really get started on planning everything out while I have some free time.

What are some of your August goals?

Mid-July Goal Check-In

We’re basically halfway through the month already. Why won’t time just stop? Earlier this month I posted my goals for July. I figured I should check in and keep myself accountable and on track.

July 2015 Goals

• Continue with C25K running program
• No more fast food.
• Seriously start house shopping.
• Mid-year Spring cleaning.
• Yoga date, rock climbing date, movie date, any kind of date.

I am still on the C25K program, but I did fall behind by a few days. My body needed rest after I started trying more heavy lifting during my workouts last week. I’m very impressed by the leg muscles I’m feeling and my goal is to get awesome quads! Have you SEEN Carrie Underwood’s legs?? They’re pretty awesome.

I also got fast food over the weekend. Surprisingly enough I didn’t have bad stomach/digestive issues like I had expected. However, my weight loss has stalled. I’m sorry I caved to the cheesy buttery bun goodness that is Whataburger…and it’s fries. Eating a higher amount of carbs than I’m used to now really made me crave more! It’s a terrible cycle to be in. Back to eating home-cooked meals it is! Later this week I think I’ll share a typical day of my meals. One friend has asked for meal ideas as she’s trying to make healthier choices.

Earlier in the month, I said my goal was to pick up on the house shopping by now. I’m happy to say we got back in touch with a lender and are working on getting an updated pre-approval letter. We’ve been keeping an eye on the supply of homes in DFW and it’s not looking great for us. We did decide that if we are not able to find a home for purchase by the end of our lease we will try renting a home so that our puppies can at least have a yard. More than likely we will be renting with one of our closest friends, our best man. The guys are already talking about making one of the rooms a home gym. Men…amirite??

Summer cleaning and date night have not even come up yet. The past few weekends we decided to go swimming instead. I have to build up my tan. Winter is coming. Forget this whole “summer body” thing. I’m working on my winter body. Can’t be lookin’ pale all winter long. Gotta get ready to hibernate! 😀 Unfortunately, hubby has become a lobster because of this. Wear your sunscreen, people!

So that’s my goal update for now. How are you doing on your monthly goals?

Couch to 5K Week 1 Update

I finished the first week of the Couch to 5K program. It consisted of jogging and walking three times this past week in intervals. I managed to cut my time down of completing one mile by about 2.5 minutes. Each night after running I have started to embrace the soreness in my legs and behind haha. I know it means I pushed myself to be better than before and I’m getting stronger. The first day of week 2 is tomorrow and I can’t wait!