Shh, Here’s A Secret.

Full disclosure: I started this post 10 months ago. It’s been sitting in my drafts since then. Warning: this is probably going to be a long and emotionally-fueled post. As hard as it was to write the first part and update with the latest, I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this in real life – even with my closest friends. I love y’all and if I do talk about it it’ll be difficult and probably only online and maybe only bits and pieces. That’s just how I am. I don’t think any one person knows EVERYTHING about me, except Dustin. Even he gets things delayed. Sorry babe. Anyway, my last post touched on this whole topic a bit but these were some of my thoughts from earlier this year regarding our future.

10 months ago: My overall and deepest desire this year is to lose weight and be healthier. My husband’s #1 goal is to decrease our debt significantly. The reason? We want to start our family. :O Shocking! I’ve gone and said it!

Honestly, that’s not something I really like to talk about much but perhaps sharing it and just putting it out in the universe is what I need right now. For years I’ve jokingly told my mom and family we were only going to have dogs, no children, whenever the topic came up. First of all, I don’t need or want others’ input and opinions on when to start a family or how big of a family to have. Second, my husband and I would ideally like to have our stuff together before bringing a child into the world. But then again, my mom raised two kids alone for a while with a lot less than we have. My brother and I turned out alright (shoutout to my first frienemy for life). Finally, my body is in no condition for this but who knows if it will ever be.

This is the biggest issue I have to deal with everyday. I suffer silently. I know I’m not alone. I follow many women on Instagram and in my PCOS support group on Facebook who are in the same position. That doesn’t make it any less lonely. I fear that even if I lose weight I won’t be able to have children. Do you know how heartbreaking and depressing this can be? I can push the thoughts and negativity away most of the time. But there are some days it all just piles on and I can’t handle it anymore.

– That is where my draft ended 10 months ago. Obviously, I was not ready to share it then.-

Present-day: Last night I broke…and my poor husband… I am so lucky that he is understanding and most of the time has enough patience to deal with the crazy mess that I am. He let me break down and sob and stress out and have an anxious moment. He patiently watched me and let me be even while I obsessively messed with a strand of hair to soothe myself and rambled on and just poured my worries out. He knew I had to work through it but he knew that just him being there was more than I could ask for. It’s what I needed of him and he understood without me actually having to say anything. True love and friendship right there. After I basically bombarded him with all of this he was loving and suggested I keep working through the stress and anxiety. We walked our dogs then went to the gym. It definitely helped to work some of that energy off.

My rock 😍 

When the meltdown was mostly over, he asked why I hadn’t told him before. Like I mentioned at the start of this, even he gets things delayed. I told him I was trying to be strong (it’s something I’ve done all my life as “the oldest” child and still have trouble with).

Part of my worries regarding trying to conceive is everything that comes with my PCOS. The hormonal issues can cause infertility and miscarriages. I’m already high-risk due to my weight which also causes issues. Although side note – I got my lab work back from my doctor and all the basic stuff was fine!

The other concern is now that my husband has decided to return to school. Full-time. This means he’s quit his regular job, picked up a part-time job and therefore taken a significant pay cut. He’s in training now and we don’t know yet how much he’ll be working after Thanksgiving. It’s scary thinking about trying to afford a baby and paying off debt and our regular bills on less than we’ve been making. I know there are people who do it with less but like I told him yesterday, I want more than I had for my children.

*sigh* I could probably go on and on in circles but I won’t. I’ll leave it at this for now. This was therapeutic for sure and it actually does make me feel a bit better knowing I’m about to take this off my shoulders. 🙂

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The Year Was 1989

I’m reflecting on this past year because yesterday was my birthday, y’all! And Thanksgiving week is my favorite time of the year. Mostly due to the food and cake I get. 😉 Who doesn’t like cake? Weird people, that’s who.

Anyway, a lot of great things have happened this past year, as well as not so great. I married my best friend, I’m back down to the weight I was at the end of last year (I went up post wedding/Christmas), I’m up for a raise at work, and I’m figuring out how to be healthier. The not so good: didn’t buy a house like we wanted to and I was diagnosed with insulin-resistant PCOS (kind of good though because I can make a plan to deal with it before it gets worse).

And here comes a sad bit of this post. Sunday was a bittersweet day for me. It was a lazy day but that also meant I had plenty of time to do some thinking. 26 years ago my childhood best friend was born 2 days before me, but it’s also a sad day because she passed away in 2009, just a few months after turning 19. Until we were about 14 or 15 we celebrated our birthdays together at church since we were only 2 days apart. We would go shopping for our birthday outfits together and got the same thing a couple of times. Our brothers are also close in age by a few months so we’d always be at her house hanging out and her whole family is an extension of mine. She was a trip and I’m just super grateful I had the chance of having her in my life for as long as I did. But I also have this guilt when I celebrate my birthday because she doesn’t get to.

Which leads to my plans for this upcoming year. My goal, as usual, is to be a healthier, better version of myself. I want to focus on experiences and the people in my life because ultimately that’s what matters. The difference this year is I am determined to put my words into action. I’m already doing some research on local running groups and plan to sign up for a 5K in a few months. I’m not sure which one just yet, but I will kick off my training this week! That’s right. I’ll be starting off my 26th year of life with positivity and momentum! I’m restarting Couch to 5K as part of my training. I made it to week 5 last time. 3 weeks short of completing the program. I also hope to start date nights again with hubby, girls night with my ladies, hanging out with our friends more, and going to see my mom more often. It’s hard because everyone’s been busy this fall so we’ve got to plan in advance!

When all is said and done, I’m ready to kick this year in the butt and make it fantastic!

Friendsgiving 2015

This past weekend we celebrated Friendsgiving! We had a great time. Everyone brought amazing food. Soooo much food!

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Missing in photo: lots of turkey and our desserts

We had turkey, mashed potato casserole, green bean casserole, corn bread, rolls, salad with delicious dressing, rice & quinoa stuffing, mac and cheese, and an oh-so gooey pumpkin pecan cobbler with ice cream. My mouth is watering just thinking of it again.

The day started off with the hubby and I grocery shopping and hitting the liquor store. Hello, bourbon. When we got home we dashed to cleaning the living room, dining room, bathroom, and kitchen. I had to make as much countertop available as I could. Unfortunately, in the process of clearing out the dining room, our bedroom and closet got stuck with all the random stuff we had. Our room looked like a tornado hit it. It didn’t help that our dogs LOVE taking out the stuffing from anything that they can (mostly from their doggy bed), so there was green and white stuffing everywhere!

Our friend Steve was the first to arrive, hours ahead of time. All hail Steve, bringer of the great turkey (and extra plates/bowls/other stuff)! We got the turkey in the oven and then watched the Evil Dead movies along with Dean. Dessert and wine was next to arrive. I mean Leslie was. 😛 We downed a couple bottles of fruity wine down before the festivities even started. Oops. Everyone else arrived around the time we had originally set so our apartment was super lively!

Friendsgiving had its hiccups: I forgot about the bacon for the potatoes (I know, how dare I?!), we didn’t have enough appropriate utensils so Steve and I ended up with spoons, my timing for the sides I made was off so we started later than expected. But, I’m so thankful to have such wonderful friends. They pitched in to make it an overall success. It doesn’t matter that we had to cram 11 people into our tiny apartment because we were together and got to spend some quality time playing the world’s worst game ever. Cards Against Humanity. It’s always good fun.

 

Mid-July Goal Check-In

We’re basically halfway through the month already. Why won’t time just stop? Earlier this month I posted my goals for July. I figured I should check in and keep myself accountable and on track.

July 2015 Goals

  • Continue with C25K running program
  • No more fast food.
  • Seriously start house shopping.
  • Mid-year Spring cleaning.
  • Yoga date, rock climbing date, movie date, any kind of date.

I am still on the C25K program, but I did fall behind by a few days. My body needed rest after I started trying more heavy lifting during my workouts last week. I’m very impressed by the leg muscles I’m feeling and my goal is to get awesome quads! Have you SEEN Carrie Underwood’s legs?? They’re pretty awesome.

I also got fast food over the weekend. Surprisingly enough I didn’t have bad stomach/digestive issues like I had expected. However, my weight loss has stalled. I’m sorry I caved to the cheesy buttery bun goodness that is Whataburger…and it’s fries. Eating a higher amount of carbs than I’m used to now really made me crave more! It’s a terrible cycle to be in. Back to eating home-cooked meals it is! Later this week I think I’ll share a typical day of my meals. One friend has asked for meal ideas as she’s trying to make healthier choices.

Earlier in the month, I said my goal was to pick up on the house shopping by now. I’m happy to say we got back in touch with a lender and are working on getting an updated pre-approval letter. We’ve been keeping an eye on the supply of homes in DFW and it’s not looking great for us. We did decide that if we are not able to find a home for purchase by the end of our lease we will try renting a home so that our puppies can at least have a yard. More than likely we will be renting with one of our closest friends, our best man. The guys are already talking about making one of the rooms a home gym. Men…amirite??

Summer cleaning and date night have not even come up yet. The past few weekends we decided to go swimming instead. I have to build up my tan. Winter is coming. Forget this whole “summer body” thing. I’m working on my winter body. Can’t be lookin’ pale all winter long. Gotta get ready to hibernate! 😀 Unfortunately, hubby has become a lobster because of this. Wear your sunscreen, people!

So that’s my goal update for now. How are you doing on your monthly goals?

Rainy Day Reflection

"Keep on keepin' on"

“Keep on keepin’ on”

I’m trying to improve my blogging chops and make this into something better, a place not only for me to express myself, but a place for my readers (even if few) to share and learn as well. In doing so, I’ve been spending a lot of time reading about blogging from other blogs via Pinterest. [Say that 3x fast.] This all brought me to update my blog and why I chose this name for my blog. While I’ve previously reflected on this, reading through it again brings up a lot of mixed emotions for me.

The anniversary of my stepdad’s passing was a few weeks ago. The day came and went on as usual all around me. One thing that’s been bothering me is that I didn’t call my mom to see how she was handling it. Mostly out of selfish reasons. Talking about it out loud still brings stinging tears that I need to keep back. I’m “the strong one” in the family, or at least I feel like I have to be. Honestly, my mom even said this to me at the funeral… I was always the one asked to help translate, write checks, deal with adults, and fill out a countless number of documents for my mom growing up. Even now she asks for my help more than my brother’s I suspect. I was a grown up before I probably should have been. This was the situation until my stepdad came into our lives. While he had his faults, and that may be a post for another day, he truly helped us out a lot. So why would I avoid talking about him and all that he did for us?

I’ve been feeling super guilty that I didn’t publicly acknowledge this sad day. I also didn’t see much from distant family on that day and somehow that also saddened me. But then I find the rational side of myself wondering why do we (or is it just me) feel compelled to share everything on social media? As if this makes it more real, more “legit.” However, I know that just because we don’t talk about something or someone doesn’t necessarily mean we’re not thinking about it or them. In fact, it can be the only thing on our minds. *sigh*

Grief is different for everyone. Some people have to talk through it while others need to work through it on their own. Writing is my way to release the sadness and put it out there when my voice fails me. It’s my way of opening up, but at the same time keeping a distance. Oftentimes sadness and other negative feelings are simply pushed aside. These are to be dealt with later, not now. Sometimes, and this has happened before, this can backfire and it just takes one little thing to bring it all crashing down. My husband can attest to this. Keeping a smile on is difficult but something I’ve sort of got a reputation for it seems. Any kind of activity or survey where people have had to describe me usually has several repeated answers: Rosy is always happy, positive, outgoing, making us laugh, etc. While it’s a pretty big ego boost to see that my friends and family truly believe these things of me, it also has made me put pressure on myself to keep that positive outlook. At all times, at all costs. It’s probably something I’ll always have to deal with and learn to balance. For now, this will have to do.

“Houston, We Have A Problem.”

Beaches be trippin'!

Beaches be trippin’! No stinky seaweed!!

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to spend it with my mother- and sister-in-law. Girls-only weekend at the beach!! It was a much needed getaway for all three of us. I was looking forward to this all of last week. I needed a tan, bad. I was pale, y’all (compared to my college summer self who went swimming all the time).

Friday after work, my sis and I went to the in-laws’ house so we could leave bright and early in the morning and minimize traffic…or so we thought. As soon as we got to Houston we hit standstill traffic. A whole section of the highway was shutdown and they were diverting people off. After a lot of bumper-to-bumper traffic we eventually got to the beach(!!!). We spent some time out in the sun and water. Surprisingly, the water was pretty calm and warm. For the first time in forever there were no giant, stinky piles of seaweed out on the beach either. It was great! After an afternoon of soaking up the sun, we loaded up and headed to Houston for the night (My aunt- and uncle-in-law are the best! Uncle-in-law officiated our wedding <3). The next day we headed out to Galveston again for a baby shower and tried to squeeze in a few more hours of beach time before leaving our relaxing weekend behind. We were all set to head back to Houston and got stuck in all the traffic leaving the island. Just our luck. Spent another hour or two in Houston and decided we’d be good to leave late, right?! WRONG! Houston, I officially despise you and your traffic. What should have been less than 4 hours back to my in-laws’ home actually was 6 hours!!! Not to mention there was still the 45-50 minute drive back home from there. We spent the night at my in-laws’ and finally got home today. It was a crazy but fun weekend and we hope to return at the end of the summer with the guys. I just hope and pray someone invents teleportation soon. 😉

Next year we might go to a beach out of Texas. What are some good destinations?