Shh, Here’s A Secret.

Full disclosure: I started this post 10 months ago. It’s been sitting in my drafts since then. Warning: this is probably going to be a long and emotionally-fueled post. As hard as it was to write the first part and update with the latest, I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this in real life – even with my closest friends. I love y’all and if I do talk about it it’ll be difficult and probably only online and maybe only bits and pieces. That’s just how I am. I don’t think any one person knows EVERYTHING about me, except Dustin. Even he gets things delayed. Sorry babe. Anyway, my last post touched on this whole topic a bit but these were some of my thoughts from earlier this year regarding our future.

10 months ago: My overall and deepest desire this year is to lose weight and be healthier. My husband’s #1 goal is to decrease our debt significantly. The reason? We want to start our family. :O Shocking! I’ve gone and said it!

Honestly, that’s not something I really like to talk about much but perhaps sharing it and just putting it out in the universe is what I need right now. For years I’ve jokingly told my mom and family we were only going to have dogs, no children, whenever the topic came up. First of all, I don’t need or want others’ input and opinions on when to start a family or how big of a family to have. Second, my husband and I would ideally like to have our stuff together before bringing a child into the world. But then again, my mom raised two kids alone for a while with a lot less than we have. My brother and I turned out alright (shoutout to my first frienemy for life). Finally, my body is in no condition for this but who knows if it will ever be.

This is the biggest issue I have to deal with everyday. I suffer silently. I know I’m not alone. I follow many women on Instagram and in my PCOS support group on Facebook who are in the same position. That doesn’t make it any less lonely. I fear that even if I lose weight I won’t be able to have children. Do you know how heartbreaking and depressing this can be? I can push the thoughts and negativity away most of the time. But there are some days it all just piles on and I can’t handle it anymore.

– That is where my draft ended 10 months ago. Obviously, I was not ready to share it then.-

Present-day: Last night I broke…and my poor husband… I am so lucky that he is understanding and most of the time has enough patience to deal with the crazy mess that I am. He let me break down and sob and stress out and have an anxious moment. He patiently watched me and let me be even while I obsessively messed with a strand of hair to soothe myself and rambled on and just poured my worries out. He knew I had to work through it but he knew that just him being there was more than I could ask for. It’s what I needed of him and he understood without me actually having to say anything. True love and friendship right there. After I basically bombarded him with all of this he was loving and suggested I keep working through the stress and anxiety. We walked our dogs then went to the gym. It definitely helped to work some of that energy off.

My rock 😍 

When the meltdown was mostly over, he asked why I hadn’t told him before. Like I mentioned at the start of this, even he gets things delayed. I told him I was trying to be strong (it’s something I’ve done all my life as “the oldest” child and still have trouble with).

Part of my worries regarding trying to conceive is everything that comes with my PCOS. The hormonal issues can cause infertility and miscarriages. I’m already high-risk due to my weight which also causes issues. Although side note – I got my lab work back from my doctor and all the basic stuff was fine!

The other concern is now that my husband has decided to return to school. Full-time. This means he’s quit his regular job, picked up a part-time job and therefore taken a significant pay cut. He’s in training now and we don’t know yet how much he’ll be working after Thanksgiving. It’s scary thinking about trying to afford a baby and paying off debt and our regular bills on less than we’ve been making. I know there are people who do it with less but like I told him yesterday, I want more than I had for my children.

*sigh* I could probably go on and on in circles but I won’t. I’ll leave it at this for now. This was therapeutic for sure and it actually does make me feel a bit better knowing I’m about to take this off my shoulders. 🙂

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Putting It All Out There. Maybe.

Hello again.

Since the last time I wrote, to my own shock, I actually DID start working out again. I will admit that I gave up after a few days the first week because I was so damn sore from my leg day workout. Weak. The following week I was just trying to get through that horrible time that most ladies get. Y’all know what I’m sayin’. So I pretty much was deadddd. But I’m back at it this week! It’s Wednesday and I worked out both Monday AND Tuesday. Today is a cold and rainy day here in the DFW area and I’m spending it indoors cuddled up with my dogs. No worries though. My workouts are home workouts that don’t require fancy gym equipment – just bodyweight or light dumbbells.

I went to my primary care physician this week for my annual physical and because they wouldn’t refill my medicine without checking in again. I still need to go back to get my blood drawn for labs because I was in a rush on Monday, so I should have results back early next week. My blood pressure was good (to my surprise) but my weight has obviously gone up since I saw him last year though. I had gone down some around May but I gained it back and more. Here’s to me being brave… *breathe* My highest weight is now roughly 289 (with clothes – that makes a difference right???) UGH! I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone my weight except my husband. This is really hard to admit. However, I think it’s an important step in my journey. By putting it out there I have given myself some sort of accountability as I don’t want to come back and say I’ve gained even more weight. I’m telling y’all, I really want to try this time. I want to lose the weight. I NEED to lose the weight and get healthier. There are a couple of reasons for this besides the fact that I’m tired of walking around feeling like Violet from Willy Wonka.

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I feel so round.

My mom has been dealing with several health issues for a while now. She was diagnosed with stomach ulcers, attributed to stress, many years ago. Most recently she was diagnosed with gout, arthritis (not sure which kind), and the scariest is Diabetes Type 2. It’s scary to hear because she’s had issues with her sugar before and doesn’t like to take medicine and she’s stubborn in her eating habits. She doesn’t live in the safest of neighborhoods so I’m glad she owns a treadmill but I’m not sure how often she uses it. My point is that Diabetes is a real threat to my health, not only due to my PCOS and insulin resistance but now it’s most likely always been in my genetics.

(NOTE: to my IRL friends and family, please don’t bring up what I’m about to say because it’s a difficult subject for me to talk about seriously…I know I joke about it and have been known to say I just want dogs but that’s just a front so I don’t have to delve deeper into the subject.)

The other biggest reason I really need to get my stuff together is that my husband and I want to get started on our family. It’s a touchy subject for me with my health and the possibilities. The what-ifs scare me. I might post about it another day, maybe.

But there you have it. This is more for myself, as usual, just to get my thoughts out and try and work through stuff. I’m working on getting my eating habits on a healthy track. I’ll be starting Victoza again – just a sample for now – along with my regular meds. I’m hoping it will get me started in the right direction along with my exercise plan and diet. Low carb is what I’m aiming for or at least fewer carbs and take out/fast food, for now, so please share any recipes or Pinterest boards if you’d like.

 

 

Fall – Reset and Renew

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Fall is my favorite season. So many holidays, brisk weather (a bit delayed here in good ol’ Texas), delicious food and drinks (hot cocoa anyone?), and beautiful colors.

I recently went through a [self-diagnosed] depressive episode that lasted longer than I’d like to admit. I honestly have no clue when it lifted or how. I just now am realizing that I even made it through and that I’m feeling more positive. Unfortunately, I’m still trying to get a grip on my constantly racing mind. The lack of sleep is insane. I wake up and have so much trouble falling back asleep. Then I keep thinking about how little sleep I will get and my mind goes all over the place. Pinterest keeps suggesting pins related to anxiety. Thanks for caring, Pinterest. I’ll be making my annual wellness doctor’s visit soon and I will have to remember to bring it up. The stigma that comes along with mental health issues is gnawing at me though. Like, how do I bring this up? I have a good doctor who takes the time to listen to my complaints but I still can’t help but worry that my concerns will be dismissed. I know it’s irrational thinking but hello, that’s what I’m going in for.

Getting to my original reason for this post – I’m feeling more positive in general and I think I’m ready to tackle my issues again. At least, I want to believe I am. Every time I say I’m getting my health back on track, I fail…fall…crash and burn. Not only do I probably disappoint my family and friends (I can’t assume I do because obviously, they have more important things to worry about than me) but I definitely disappoint myself. Shouldn’t I care more about myself to try harder? We all should care about ourselves. So! I’m going to reset and start fresh. Just like the fall leaves are getting ready: giving the tree a new chance, new opportunities are coming. That totally sounded better to myself in my head.

Here we go again!

 

February Check In

Hi again! If you’re like me, February was the new official start of New Year’s resolutions. January was a trial month. Everyone knows that. Moving on. This month, I

This month, I reeeeeally wanted to follow through as I am so, so very terrible at it. I made a pretty little tracking chart in my bullet journal and used lots of pinks and reds. Tons of hearts – it is the month of love after all. For about half of the month, I stuck with my highest priority goals. I took my medicine and supplements and logged my meals. I stayed around my carbohydrate goal in general but due to my lack of dedicated exercise, my calorie intake has probably been too high to really lose any weight. However, we managed to decrease our fast food spending this month due to forcing myself to take leftovers to work. It also helps that I have an AMAZING husband who offered to make me breakfast every weekday along with his.

 

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Eggs and uncured bacon every day with the occasional toast. This day included salsa and queso fresco. Yum!

Today I went to get some labwork done ahead of next week’s endocrinologist appointment. Hopefully, my results move in the right direction. PCOS is not fun and is very defeating. I haven’t had as many breakdowns recently so that’s good. I’m trying to stay positive and keeping in mind why I want to lose weight and get healthy.

 

I also got a new computer today! So this may translate into more frequent blog posts. We’ll see. 😉

Oh, one final thing: Everyone needs to go check out April the Giraffe on YouTube. I’m obsessed and absolutely way too invested in this live giraffe birth for my own good, but I need people to discuss the adorableness of it all with. Tweet at me or find me on Instagram so we can have all sorts of giraffe-related convos. 🙂

It’s Official…

…I am at my highest weight, ever! It’s depressing and shameful, but not all that surprising. There is so much I could be doing for my health but haven’t been trying hard enough, or at all if I’m being honest.

Over the weekend I took a look at my goals and figured out which ones I was on track with and which ones I wasn’t. I saw a meme the other day on Instagram: January was a free trial month. My knee is healing and I’m moving around more now. Slowly, but surely, my daily steps have increased. I restarted my supplement regimen and am taking my medicine more consistently. For the most part, I’ve really cut back on dining out this month as well.

January wraps up today and tomorrow is a new day. A new month. A fresh start. I’m going to continue my progress on the things mentioned above that I’m doing OK at. Changes for the month include starting PT for my knee, focusing on nutrition, and decluttering our apartment.

For physical therapy, I’m supposed to be working on my range of motion. This means hitting the gym at my apartment complex and becoming friends with the stationary bike for at least 20 mins a day. Alright, that’s easy enough, right? Then why haven’t I been doing it?? This HAS TO BE a priority if my knee surgery is to truly be a success. I don’t want a messed up knee.

Logging my food will probably be my best bet to get my nutrition on track. How can something be fixed if you don’t know the extent of the problem? Decreasing carb intake is the main goal of logging my meals. Insulin resistance makes it difficult to process carbs normally and has really lead to weight gain, especially around my belly. A ketogenic diet has worked the best for me previously in trying to lose weight. However, that was difficult because the best foods in life are carb-ilicious! Paleo, Whole 30, and Clean Eating are all fairly similar to me and I’ll be using their recipes and meal ideas as starting points. I will be trying to cut back on carbs to my previous doctor’s recommendation of less than 100g. Gotta go home and dust off our little food scale.

The last major change this coming month is decluttering and getting rid of stuff. Having a messy home can cause stress, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Why do you think so many people clean when they have a big project to work on? Yes, it’s procrastination, but it is also a way of clearing your mind and allowing creativity to flow. We have a small apartment and two dogs. We’re not hoarders but we’re also not neat freaks. We have more clothes than we need (mostly my husband – in my obese state, I currently hate clothes shopping). This leads to piles of laundry and I hate putting up laundry so there are clothes all over the freaking place. I also have lots of art and crafts type items that I don’t use. I keep them around “just in case” a project needs them. Unfortunately, I’m all ideas and no execution. I’m just tired of seeing all the cluttered spaces around our home because it overwhelms me to the point that I don’t even know where to start and give up immediately. But no more!  So buh-bye. You gots to go, stuff.

Who’s with me on pushing the restart button to the year?!

 

 

 

 

New Year, Same Me

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Alrighty…it’s now 2017. Time for “new year, new me” right? Well, with my track record that’ll only last a short time. I’m on a never-ending cycle of motivated action, not seeing the results I want, feeling defeated and giving up, and repeat. Somehow there must be a way to break this cycle.

Taking it one day, one week, one month at a time is probably the best. Evaluate and modify. Try again.

So again for this year my goals include getting healthy and losing weight. This year that means having my knee surgery (it’s just two days away!! *freak out*) and taking the time to recover. As soon as I am able, I will start on a workout routine that I can stick to. What that will be is still to be determined. This month I’m also focusing on increasing my water intake.

Other resolutions for this year include date night once a month, reading at least six books, making a cookbook recipe at least twice a month, learning a new language (check out the Duolingo app), and paying off our car loan ahead of time.

Today I’m feeling unusually motivated and positive. Perhaps it’s the fact that I slept over 8 hours last night (according to my Fitbit…I’m suspicious of that number though). Or perhaps, it’s because the weather is nice out. Who knows? The fact is, if I can hold on to this feeling for a while I can probably be more productive and make some real changes.

Here’s to a new year, same me, but different… 🙂

No Cute Title Here

Oh my! My last post was over two months ago! The year is almost over and I’ve gone off track so badly. I gained back the weight I had lost after the Sparkle cleanse and more. I only have myself to blame. Not only did I stop tracking what I ate, I also stopped working out and even going on long walks. I stopped taking my vitamins/supplements regularly and I’ve even forgotten to take my medicine consistently. Earlier this month I tried going to the gym more with my husband but kind of stopped. I was trying to do cardio (mostly the recumbent bike and some treadmill walking) but even that started aggravating my knee. I can’t do upper body weight training because my shoulder still hurts. My body is broken all around.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for my annual checkup and will be discussing having the pre-op exams needed to get the go ahead for my knee surgery. That’s currently scheduled for the second week of the new year! I’m excited to get this taken care of right away so I can get to healing. The sooner that happens, the sooner I can get moving again. I really to get on a workout regime quick. We’re attending three weddings this year, including one at the beach! :O

So with the start of a new year right around the corner, I’m planning my resolutions. Trying to get motivated. Working on not beating myself up and feeling like a complete failure. So long 2016. Buh bye!