Shh, Here’s A Secret.

Full disclosure: I started this post 10 months ago. It’s been sitting in my drafts since then. Warning: this is probably going to be a long and emotionally-fueled post. As hard as it was to write the first part and update with the latest, I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this in real life – even with my closest friends. I love y’all and if I do talk about it it’ll be difficult and probably only online and maybe only bits and pieces. That’s just how I am. I don’t think any one person knows EVERYTHING about me, except Dustin. Even he gets things delayed. Sorry babe. Anyway, my last post touched on this whole topic a bit but these were some of my thoughts from earlier this year regarding our future.

10 months ago: My overall and deepest desire this year is to lose weight and be healthier. My husband’s #1 goal is to decrease our debt significantly. The reason? We want to start our family. :O Shocking! I’ve gone and said it!

Honestly, that’s not something I really like to talk about much but perhaps sharing it and just putting it out in the universe is what I need right now. For years I’ve jokingly told my mom and family we were only going to have dogs, no children, whenever the topic came up. First of all, I don’t need or want others’ input and opinions on when to start a family or how big of a family to have. Second, my husband and I would ideally like to have our stuff together before bringing a child into the world. But then again, my mom raised two kids alone for a while with a lot less than we have. My brother and I turned out alright (shoutout to my first frienemy for life). Finally, my body is in no condition for this but who knows if it will ever be.

This is the biggest issue I have to deal with everyday. I suffer silently. I know I’m not alone. I follow many women on Instagram and in my PCOS support group on Facebook who are in the same position. That doesn’t make it any less lonely. I fear that even if I lose weight I won’t be able to have children. Do you know how heartbreaking and depressing this can be? I can push the thoughts and negativity away most of the time. But there are some days it all just piles on and I can’t handle it anymore.

– That is where my draft ended 10 months ago. Obviously, I was not ready to share it then.-

Present-day: Last night I broke…and my poor husband… I am so lucky that he is understanding and most of the time has enough patience to deal with the crazy mess that I am. He let me break down and sob and stress out and have an anxious moment. He patiently watched me and let me be even while I obsessively messed with a strand of hair to soothe myself and rambled on and just poured my worries out. He knew I had to work through it but he knew that just him being there was more than I could ask for. It’s what I needed of him and he understood without me actually having to say anything. True love and friendship right there. After I basically bombarded him with all of this he was loving and suggested I keep working through the stress and anxiety. We walked our dogs then went to the gym. It definitely helped to work some of that energy off.

My rock 😍 

When the meltdown was mostly over, he asked why I hadn’t told him before. Like I mentioned at the start of this, even he gets things delayed. I told him I was trying to be strong (it’s something I’ve done all my life as “the oldest” child and still have trouble with).

Part of my worries regarding trying to conceive is everything that comes with my PCOS. The hormonal issues can cause infertility and miscarriages. I’m already high-risk due to my weight which also causes issues. Although side note – I got my lab work back from my doctor and all the basic stuff was fine!

The other concern is now that my husband has decided to return to school. Full-time. This means he’s quit his regular job, picked up a part-time job and therefore taken a significant pay cut. He’s in training now and we don’t know yet how much he’ll be working after Thanksgiving. It’s scary thinking about trying to afford a baby and paying off debt and our regular bills on less than we’ve been making. I know there are people who do it with less but like I told him yesterday, I want more than I had for my children.

*sigh* I could probably go on and on in circles but I won’t. I’ll leave it at this for now. This was therapeutic for sure and it actually does make me feel a bit better knowing I’m about to take this off my shoulders. 🙂

Advertisements

Putting It All Out There. Maybe.

Hello again.

Since the last time I wrote, to my own shock, I actually DID start working out again. I will admit that I gave up after a few days the first week because I was so damn sore from my leg day workout. Weak. The following week I was just trying to get through that horrible time that most ladies get. Y’all know what I’m sayin’. So I pretty much was deadddd. But I’m back at it this week! It’s Wednesday and I worked out both Monday AND Tuesday. Today is a cold and rainy day here in the DFW area and I’m spending it indoors cuddled up with my dogs. No worries though. My workouts are home workouts that don’t require fancy gym equipment – just bodyweight or light dumbbells.

I went to my primary care physician this week for my annual physical and because they wouldn’t refill my medicine without checking in again. I still need to go back to get my blood drawn for labs because I was in a rush on Monday, so I should have results back early next week. My blood pressure was good (to my surprise) but my weight has obviously gone up since I saw him last year though. I had gone down some around May but I gained it back and more. Here’s to me being brave… *breathe* My highest weight is now roughly 289 (with clothes – that makes a difference right???) UGH! I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone my weight except my husband. This is really hard to admit. However, I think it’s an important step in my journey. By putting it out there I have given myself some sort of accountability as I don’t want to come back and say I’ve gained even more weight. I’m telling y’all, I really want to try this time. I want to lose the weight. I NEED to lose the weight and get healthier. There are a couple of reasons for this besides the fact that I’m tired of walking around feeling like Violet from Willy Wonka.

giphy.com

I feel so round.

My mom has been dealing with several health issues for a while now. She was diagnosed with stomach ulcers, attributed to stress, many years ago. Most recently she was diagnosed with gout, arthritis (not sure which kind), and the scariest is Diabetes Type 2. It’s scary to hear because she’s had issues with her sugar before and doesn’t like to take medicine and she’s stubborn in her eating habits. She doesn’t live in the safest of neighborhoods so I’m glad she owns a treadmill but I’m not sure how often she uses it. My point is that Diabetes is a real threat to my health, not only due to my PCOS and insulin resistance but now it’s most likely always been in my genetics.

(NOTE: to my IRL friends and family, please don’t bring up what I’m about to say because it’s a difficult subject for me to talk about seriously…I know I joke about it and have been known to say I just want dogs but that’s just a front so I don’t have to delve deeper into the subject.)

The other biggest reason I really need to get my stuff together is that my husband and I want to get started on our family. It’s a touchy subject for me with my health and the possibilities. The what-ifs scare me. I might post about it another day, maybe.

But there you have it. This is more for myself, as usual, just to get my thoughts out and try and work through stuff. I’m working on getting my eating habits on a healthy track. I’ll be starting Victoza again – just a sample for now – along with my regular meds. I’m hoping it will get me started in the right direction along with my exercise plan and diet. Low carb is what I’m aiming for or at least fewer carbs and take out/fast food, for now, so please share any recipes or Pinterest boards if you’d like.

 

 

New Year, Same Me

20160205_130035.jpg

Alrighty…it’s now 2017. Time for “new year, new me” right? Well, with my track record that’ll only last a short time. I’m on a never-ending cycle of motivated action, not seeing the results I want, feeling defeated and giving up, and repeat. Somehow there must be a way to break this cycle.

Taking it one day, one week, one month at a time is probably the best. Evaluate and modify. Try again.

So again for this year my goals include getting healthy and losing weight. This year that means having my knee surgery (it’s just two days away!! *freak out*) and taking the time to recover. As soon as I am able, I will start on a workout routine that I can stick to. What that will be is still to be determined. This month I’m also focusing on increasing my water intake.

Other resolutions for this year include date night once a month, reading at least six books, making a cookbook recipe at least twice a month, learning a new language (check out the Duolingo app), and paying off our car loan ahead of time.

Today I’m feeling unusually motivated and positive. Perhaps it’s the fact that I slept over 8 hours last night (according to my Fitbit…I’m suspicious of that number though). Or perhaps, it’s because the weather is nice out. Who knows? The fact is, if I can hold on to this feeling for a while I can probably be more productive and make some real changes.

Here’s to a new year, same me, but different… 🙂

No Cute Title Here

Oh my! My last post was over two months ago! The year is almost over and I’ve gone off track so badly. I gained back the weight I had lost after the Sparkle cleanse and more. I only have myself to blame. Not only did I stop tracking what I ate, I also stopped working out and even going on long walks. I stopped taking my vitamins/supplements regularly and I’ve even forgotten to take my medicine consistently. Earlier this month I tried going to the gym more with my husband but kind of stopped. I was trying to do cardio (mostly the recumbent bike and some treadmill walking) but even that started aggravating my knee. I can’t do upper body weight training because my shoulder still hurts. My body is broken all around.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for my annual checkup and will be discussing having the pre-op exams needed to get the go ahead for my knee surgery. That’s currently scheduled for the second week of the new year! I’m excited to get this taken care of right away so I can get to healing. The sooner that happens, the sooner I can get moving again. I really to get on a workout regime quick. We’re attending three weddings this year, including one at the beach! :O

So with the start of a new year right around the corner, I’m planning my resolutions. Trying to get motivated. Working on not beating myself up and feeling like a complete failure. So long 2016. Buh bye!

 

PCOS Challenge Symposium 2016

pcos-bolt-5k

PCOS Positivity support group pic

This past weekend I had the privilege  of attending the PCOS Challenge Symposium and Bolt 5K in Atlanta, GA (a Facebook support group I’m in raised the most money for the 5K!) My very supportive husband joined me and we made a quick vacation out of it. We both learned so many new things that will help me along this journey of treating my PCOS and wrangling in my health. We also heard a lot of things we’ve heard before, but hey, sometimes you just need to be hit with the same information over again to help it stick. At least I do…often.

PCOS is a syndrome that has many symptoms and they’re not all the same for everyone. There is no one official way to treat it and treatment plans can vary from traditional medicines to holistic and natural approaches. Every person with PCOS must have a personalized plan and it takes a lot of time, energy, and trial and error. Not to mention finding a team of doctors who are supportive, knowledgeable, and willing to work together to find the right treatment.

At the symposium there were several breakaway sessions with different topic choices. Dustin and I focused on the integrative health and nutrition/fitness tracks. There were also some on emotional/mental health and fertility but we didn’t do those since we’ve got to get a hold of my health before starting a family. There were also Q&A panels with leading PCOS experts that included health professionals and advocates. It was definitely a wonderful experience and I hope to attend the next one.

I purchased an awareness bracelet and was entered into a raffle. There were several prizes, including books, cookbooks, fertility treatments, fitness packages, electrolysis, and even a very popular detox program. Guess who won one of the detox programs?! C’est moi! That’s right! I was surprised because I never win anything in raffles and I almost didn’t even buy the ticket! While I’m not one for “detox” programs and living off of shakes I figured I’ll give it a try and report my results to my fellow cysters (probably via my instagram). I prefer real food but I’ve never tried a shake program so let’s see how it goes. This program consists of 2 weeks of shakes and supplements geared towards women with PCOS. We tend to have insulin resistance/metabolic disorder so sugar can be really bad for us. This program focuses on getting all the necessary nutrients and a little extra of the vitamins and minerals that can help with insulin resistance. It also helps to cut back the amount of processed sugars in the body.

So far I’m halfway through day 2. The shake tastes alright. I’ve done protein shakes before so I’m ok with the texture and taste. It’s a mild berry/vanilla flavor. My husband tried a sip and didn’t like it. He said it was chalky but then again, he doesn’t like protein shakes either (and he likes nato which is fermented soybeans so his palate can’t be trusted sometimes haha). By dinner I was a tad irritable and hangry. But I get like that whenever I start lowering my carb and sugar intake. It takes me a few days to adjust. So, for the next two weeks I’ll be doing two shakes a day and a well balanced meal with healthy snacks (as necessary). Fitness-wise I’m planning on going for walks during my lunch hour at work and I’m in a few daily and weekly step challenges via Fitbit. I did so much walking and hiking during our trip that I managed to lose over 4 lbs! But I also don’t trust my scale…She can be sketchy. I’ll try to update again when I’m done with week 1.

Peace out, y’all.

Japan Day 4 – Hoot! Hoot!

Alrighty, it’s time for our 4th day of adventure in Japan!

It was a pleasant Sunday. Sis-in-law and I woke up at the crack of dawn (5 AM-ish) and went to 7-Eleven to grab breakfast. After waiting for my husband to wake up, eat, and get ready we were ready to start our day. At some point during this day, or the night before, I realized I left one of my bags at our friends’ house! :O Oh no! We had to make a plan to meet up later to grab it before they left for their honeymoon. Until then we were off to explore beautiful Japan.

Our first stop was the Meiji Shrine in Shibuya. When we got off the train, the area was PACKED with people. We did not realize how close it was to the Harijuku shopping area. There was also some kind of protest going on so there were a lot of onlookers blocking the sidewalk. Somehow we managed to get by and found the park where the shrine is located. It was gorgeous! We looked at a map but figured we’d just go where most people seemed to be going. Surely that’s the way to the shrine (it was). Outside of the temple was a fountain and people were getting water. We didn’t know what it was or the meaning behind it because the English pamphlets were all gone. We took a couple of selfies with the shrine gate behind us. As we went past it there was a wedding procession going by. It was a cool site to see. Once they were gone, we kept making our way to the temple. We spent a few minutes people-watching there. We then went out a different way and found another fountain. This one was less crowded and we found a pamphlet explaining the prayer and cleansing tradition. We took a few more photos and were on our way to our next stop: Yoyogi Park to find some cosplayers.

Meiji shrine

Meiji Shrine Gate

Shrine fountain

The fountain

We used GPS on my phone to try and find the actual area where the cosplayers would be. We walked for sooooo long. We found our way out of the park where the shrine is and wandered into the entrance for the actual park area. There were a lot of people once again. Out on the street we thought the protest was still going on, but it turned out to be a parade for Children’s Day. At the park there were many people walking around, picnicking, and just enjoying the day and scenery. There were a few street entertainers who were really interesting. We did some more walking around the park and never came across any cosplayers. By this point, I was getting tired, hot, and grumpy. I tried to keep my grumpiness and disappointment to myself as long as possible but eventually couldn’t anymore. I was done. Hubby and sis kept trying to get me out of my funk but I was having none of that, so we headed towards our hotel because I wanted to nap and get some rest.

We decided to walk and on our way there passed a shopping area. The smell of food was all around us. Since it was about time for us to eat, we looked for an inexpensive place to chow down. In an alley, we found a little restaurant underground. We dined, relaxed, and recharged. I was good to go. I guess I was just hangry before. It’s a real problem guys! Don’t judge. Our next stop was only a few minutes away. I wanted to go to a very popular Japanese stationery store (I don’t know why…). We regrouped and headed off. We found the place and had to cross the street. As we were crossing we heard an alarm go off and just watched as everyone in the street scattered. So what did we do? Run! Follow! Once we were safely across we looked around and laughed at what had just happened. We realized we were just a part of the famous Shibuya Crossing. It’s much like the Times Square of Japan (or so I’ve been told). We took some photos and got to see the Hachiko statue. After our little trip at the stationery store we had finally set up a time to meet up with our friend for my bag. We had some time to kill until then. Fortunately, we weren’t too far from another place we REALLY wanted to visit: an owl cafe!!!

The Scramble

“The Scramble” Shibuya Crossing at night

My goodness y’all. You have not lived until you get to be up close and personal with these precious creatures. It was like being in Harry Potter! Well, probably not at all, but let me dream. We walked through Takeshita Street to check out all the shops on our way to the cafe. If you love fashion, shopping, or people-watching, this is definitely a place to visit. It’s very close to the Harajuku area. We eventually found the owl cafe around an alley and had to take the elevator up a few floors. We were very excited! I mean, who wouldn’t be? Unless you’re a fun-hater. We got to pet, hold, and even feed the owls. There were several kinds of owls, in all shapes and sizes. They were all so soft!! I can’t even find the words to properly convey my feelings for this event. Seriously. It was amazing. Just look at the joy on my hubby’s face in the pictures! We had a hoot! (See what I did there???)

owl4

The largest owl

owl3

The smallest owl

Owl2

Schola

owl

Cool owl

Dustin2

Hubby with the large owl

Dustin

Hubby and his new BFF, Schola ❤

After our wonderful owl experience we were headed to meet our friend near his house. We made the trip all the way there and met up at a restaurant. After eating and chatting with him and his family his lovely wife offered to go home and grab my bag on her bike so we could make it to the train on time. In the time it took us to wait for the local bus and get to the train station, she was able to make it home and back. I was so grateful to have my stuff back and to be able to head back to the hotel. We were all pretty tired by this point. Unfortunately, we exited the train station on the wrong side and it took us a while to find our way to the hotel. We went in circles a few times. All in all, it was a fun day exploring the Shibuya area.

Japan Day 3 – A Quick Flashback

As previously mentioned, day 3 in Japan was pretty chill. What wasn’t mentioned in my long rambling were two things I’d love to share with y’all. One: My husband and sister-in-law’s experience trying natto. Two: I found a pine cone!

Ok, so about the first one: Natto is basically fermented soybeans. Apparently my husband watched many videos on the plane ride to Japan that explored various topics about Japanese culture, including food information. This is where he learned about natto. He loves fermented and weird things like sauerkraut, so of course he wanted to try natto! He jumped on the opportunity when we went grocery shopping for the cookout. When we got back to the house, our friend’s wife cooked up some rice to go along with the natto. Our friend’s host dad said that most Japanese people don’t even really eat it. My husband was ready to dig in and somehow convinced his sister to try a good amount herself. Poor girl. We all watched in anticipation of their reaction. Now, this stuff is weird…they picked it up with the chopsticks and this slimy, gooeyness just dripped down. The smell alone was off-putting.

Dustin’s reaction: *chewing* Mmm, not bad. *keeps eating*

At the same time – his sister’s reaction: *chewing* *makes a disgusted face* *immediately looks for a place to spit it out*

20160430_174444

Before picture. I wish I had an after.

Everyone else: Shocked that Dustin liked it!

He made me try it to and luckily I’d already had enough whiskey shots in me to not taste or smell so well, or care for that matter. I was smart and only ate one individual bean though. It was not good! I was quick to wash it down with some delicious, fruity wine. Ugh!

I wish I had a close up photo of it to share but y’all have to settle for Googling that gooey mess.

Continuing the flashback: My pine cone!! 😀

Back in February, hubby and I went on our belated honeymoon to lovely Colorado. Looking back through my posts, I’ve realized I never really mentioned it or what we did. One day we went snowshoeing in Rocky Mountain National Park. We didn’t get far with my bum knee and it was a very cloudy day so we didn’t want to be stuck out there too long. However, on our way back to the car I saw a couple of pine cones. They were just the tiniest, cutest things ever! I brought one home as a souvenir, because I’m weird like that. So anyway! While we were in Japan at our friend’s house, we stepped outside and sis-in-law pointed out this perfect little pine cone in the middle of the street. I swear I didn’t see that there on our way in and it’s not like it was a street full of traffic. It was more of a dead end kind of street. So for this little pine cone to be sitting there so perfectly was fate! Right? I told you I’m weird. I guess I’m starting a vacation pine cone collection?!

 

Haha, well I hope you enjoyed the two random little stories. Wait for day 4. That’s when it get’s really interesting, maybe.